Not sure what year it was, possibly late 2009. I decided I needed a creative coach and I hired someone from Canada. We worked via phone and email. It was a very simple process, and very helpful. I was more clear and productive (pursuing my own creative & private projects) then I have ever been.
Problem was, after the coaching was over, I removed and deleted all of the work I created from the internet. The reason being, I received a small amount of criticism and felt that the work was not understood by the general public. It was about being. I was sharing my thoughts and works centered around meditation, simplicity and being-ness.
Now that I look back on it, it was me that wasn’t ready for the work. It was my own self-criticism, insecurities and non-acceptance of a new path, a new form of creative expression in my life — that I wasn’t quite ready for.
There is a quote that says, “If you can’t take the heat, stay out of the kitchen.” The fact that I wasn’t ready for public criticism means I wasn’t ready for the new work/life path and all it entailed.
It’s almost 10 years later now, and the resistance is still here. I feel it. On one hand I’m like, “Aimee, you dummy! What you were doing then was so great! You were ahead of your time! You should have kept going with it. Just dust yourself off and begin again. Continue with the work!” …And on the other hand, I can feel my jaw clenching and my heels digging into the ground. I’m still afraid of the unknown, still afraid of being different, …still fighting my own truth and self-expression.
So here I am. 43 years old. Still blocking truth and creative flow. Still too afraid to let stillness speak. Still playing safe and saving face. …Here I am, still occupying a half-baked life.
One can never truly live if they are hiding their own truth or innate gifts.
Life is meant to be shared, and it’s meant to be vulnerable and challenging.
It’s meant to be lived on the edge. Teetering and swaying, barely balancing on the fine line of known and unknown.
The quote from the Gospel of Thomas says, “If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.”
Well, I guess it’s time to bring forth. Better late than never!
So the good news is, I decided to begin again. I decided to get coaching again, and I decided to explore the incorporeal nature of being-ness and mix it with the tangible process of creative presentation again.
The coach I’m currently working with is not a creative coach. He’s more of a business and life coach. Right now I am beginning with basic group coaching, just to clear my mind and create a spark. I started working with the group 3 weeks ago and it’s already helping so much. It’s re-ignitig a fire and getting me out of my comfort zone.
I’m so grateful for the dips, turns, crashes and waves of the journey I have been on. Each obstacle presented me with a Great Teacher, a sprit or guide nudging me to live more courageously, more truthfully. All along, they’ve been urging me to stop withholding and hiding, and share my heart & soul more abundantly.