Category Archives: depression

Jen Gotch on Instagram

jen-gotch-book

Dinner and a show.

———

jen-gotch-fashion

When your best friend asks you to watch her cats, she’s kind of also asking you to try on her clothes, chill in her bed, drink her wine, eat her organic tortilla chips and take long hot bath, right? 🐈👗🍷🛀👯😘

———

jen-gotch-story

“How are you doing?” Is a question I have been asked a lot over the last few months. My answer is usually, “yeah. I’m good. Highs and Lows. Highs and Lows.” And I am fine. I’m good. I’m hanging in there. I’m f*cking terrified and overwhelmed and 45 and tired and I think my hormones are f*cked up and my depression is always there waiting for me if I want to tap into it. I have ADD and anxiety and at least 4 cavities. And I’m alone, but not, but yeah I am (the trash doesn’t take itself out). And I’m not vain and honestly have spent decades working on my personality so I would not have rely on my looks, but still it’s sad to see them fade. I’m so young and so old and there are hairs growing out of my chin on a regular basis now. I’m taking it in stride and I am grateful to have lots people that treat me like royalty, like family (I’m specifically talking about you right now @streichersisters) that make me feel special and beautiful and of WORTH, especially right now when I am so confused about all of that. If you’ve been kind to me, please know how touched I feel by it. Even if I turn your gesture into a dick joke or something to lighten the mood, it truly does have an impact for me. Thanks for filling me up!! That’s what she said. See I can’t stop. Bye.

———

jen-gotch-kitten

One of us just peed on the floor. ☀️💧

———

jen-gotch-ig

In January of 2016 my life started to change: friendships were ending, my business was rapidly growing and my therapist of 20 years encouraged my husband to leave me, without ever discussing it directly with me. I’ve suffered a loss of intimacy in every area of my life, and as someone who truly loves to be alone, I have discovered loneliness in a way I had never previously understood. May I say, here, I have a f*cking beautiful, charmed life that I am insanely grateful for, but the human condition leaves room for me to feel this and feel despair simultaneously. Almost 2 years later, as I put all of these transitions behind me I was so surprised to find another set of transitions and challenges waiting here. I was kind of expecting to run through some taut tape at a finish line, be doused with champagne and gleefully handed a giant engraved trophy that said,” JEN GOTCH you did it.” That being said, I’m excited for this next one. I’m scared. I’m out of my body. I’m out of my mind and I’m also more in touch with what I want than ever before. I talk about this here, because every time I do, you always say, “me, too.” So I’ll keep it up. I’ll try to make us proud. Thanks for sticking with me. 🎢

———

jen gotch instagram

Just trying to make my way back to my 1998 passport photo. #tbt

———

jen gotch

I’m so grateful to have you, this giant group of people cheering me on as I challenge myself to grow and change, face fears and let go. It’s been a gift to be able to share all my triumphs, big and small. It only seems fair that I share the challenges, too. Right now I’m so sad. I’m emotionally under water and have been for months and months. I actually can’t remember what it feels like not to have the raw edge of sadness around my heart, leaving me with a constant dull pain that can quickly turn into something much more intense without warning. and I can’t see a clear way out even though I know it’s there just out of sight. In my experience, sadness is different than Depression. Depression often comes out of nowhere and dissipates just as mysteriously. It feels numb and quiet, less fueled by the internal ramblings in my head. Sadness hurts and it makes me scream in my car at the top of my lungs, shouting “f*ck” over and over again louder and louder and louder. Sadness feels like a problem that needs to be solved and there’s nothing I love more than problem solving so I have been diligent. Too diligent in fact. I’m tired of fighting it. I’m tired of journaling, reading, thinking, meditating. I’m tired of being responsible and evolved and mindful. I’m tired of finding the bright side and I’m tired of smiling through it. I just want to feel helpless and wounded for a few days. I want to walk around crying with a bottle of wine in one hand and a box of entenmann’s donuts in the other. That’s it. I’ll be fine. Just wanted you to know all days aren’t triumphant and smiles often reflexively mask pain, plus I gotta run and get those donuts.

———

All text & photos are from @jengotch on Instagram.

2 Comments

Filed under depression

Meeting Like Minds

I love books. You know why? Because I don’t always meet people that think like me, but with the millions of books out there, I find many. I read books for confirmation, inspiration and information. This week I read a book for confirmation. I always feel so lucky when I find an author who can articulate my thoughts better than I can. It makes me feel not-so-crazy. Or at least, that they are as crazy as me. In any case, it makes me feel better.

The book I read this week was, Ramtha: The White Book. I enjoyed every minute of it. I will list a few quotes. There were many that resonated with me, but I only posted the ones that suit this blog entry well.

One thing I wanted to point out and was happy to discover, was the author’s frequent use of the phrase Self Love. Whenever I mention ‘self love’ in conversations, people often assume I mean it in a narcissistic way. Many people don’t quite ‘get it’ like I’m saying it. I mean it in its highest sense. Your life, your world, exists through you only. No one else. When you eat, when you love, when you work, when you sleep, when you think, it’s all about you! Others are your mirrors. If you can see that everyone is you, and that you are responsible for your life, and your contribution to the world — everything opens up. The world (your world) becomes limitless. The more in touch you are with you, the more in touch you will be with others. The more love you have for yourself, the more love you will have for those around you. Does that make sense?

I talk about this all the time because it is the way that I found happiness. After years of depression, I began to realize that it grew out of self hate. The more I hated myself, the more I hated life. I saw life as a burden and a struggle. My life was based on doing what I had to, and waiting to see what happens to me next (instead of creating what happens next). I felt like I didn’t have a choice. Now my life is based on enjoying every minute and everyone. This slowly started to develop out of self love. The more I loved myself, the more love I saw in the world. My life is now my choice, it feels limitless, and I feel blessed to be here. I also feel very lucky to be able to share it with others. That powerful lifesaving transformation happened out of self love. When I say ‘self love’, that’s the kind of love of self I am referring to.

Below are a few goodies (selected quotes) from the book. I hope they resonate with you too!

“Only you can be your greatest lover.”

“You cannot truly see or be aware of the beauty of all life or express the depths of love and compassion for others until you have first seen your own sublime beauty and expressed love and compassion for yourself.”

“You are the life that you perceive to be outside of you.”

“You alone are your greatest teacher, for only you know what is the best of all things for you.”

“No one can teach you of your God Self; they can teach you only of theirs.”

“There is no greater love in life than the love of self. There is no greater love, for it is from that embrace of self that freedom exists. And it is from that freedom that joy is born.”

“You possess within you the power to know and to be all things.”

“You are wholly responsible for your own beauty, your own being, your own sorrowful or wonderful life.”

“You are the only one who loves you steadfastly enough to go through the things you have gone through.”

Today’s blog post was written & published almost 5 years ago in 2010. I thought it would be a nice post to revisit, so I re-published it. I also want to say that the very cool illustration is by Jessica of Vol.25

1 Comment

Filed under depression, like minds, self love