I remember when I was in New York City dismantling my life (this process took me exactly 7 years). Donating and selling all of my things, giving away the photos I collected over the years, erasing phone books of acquaintances and work contacts. I was shedding my skin, a persona and deep rooted life I built on the east coast. As I was doing this, I found tattered journals, from my early years in New York and my youth back in California. I was amazed by how much I wrote the same thing over and over again — over decades. I wrote mainly about wanting to take better care of myself, as well as my yearning for inner peace. It was painful to read the struggle represented on the pages. It was like someone was trapped, wanting desperately to escape, eager to find a way out and create some sort of opening. They wanted to be set free, both mentally & physically.
So many of the dreams & goals written on the pages were realized over time. But I was aware of how many years it took to get to that place. It took me writing & wanting, experimenting & failing, trying repeatedly, being relentless about staying on course.
I also noticed that it was ever-evolving. The ladder always had more rungs, always had a higher view.
I remember when I told myself that if I could only stand on my head I would be so happy. Then it was if I could only take a yoga teacher’s training. After that it was advanced teacher training. Achieving that later turned into a desire to study yogic philosophy more deeply, meditate and go on silent retreats. But the retreats were never silent enough or long enough. I wanted to go in the forest and meditate for 6 months, to participate in a silent buddhist forest refuge program. There was always the next level, the next evolution, the next adventure.
For a while all of this stopped. Completely. The ladder and dreamy views faded away. The desires dwindled. Not much remained. Only reflection and observation. It’s clear to me that almost all of what I was wanting and working towards, was not just a lightness of body & mind, but an openness of heart and a surrender to Grace. I wanted to feel more symbiotic. More spiritual. More integral. I wanted to feel and be present to the Force that is life. I wanted to have energy, feel energy, be energy, but in a tangible & useful way. In a way that felt embodied, yet divine, and served something higher than a public persona or false sense of self. But first I want to meet that energy.
All of that was to say, I know I wrote a lot about making some big changes in my life on this blog over the years, especially over the winter when my dog was ill and in trouble. Somehow that experience woke me from my indifferent slumber. I’m back at the ladder again. I’m interested in energy again. I’m wanting to feel the presence of Grace & hyper-synchronicity. I know it’s always there, always an underpinning. But there is a zone, that can only be reached through adventures. That powerful sense of mystery & magic & aliveness doesn’t come to those that remain comfortable. You have to fearlessly meet Grace halfway. You have to go to the edge of the ledge. You have to challenge your sense of familiar. You have to surrender what you know. You have to give up something to get something. You have to bravely trust. This isn’t easy. It takes dedication & work. It’s an ongoing practice.
So here I am again. Writing in journals. Stating over and over again, what I want and what I’m working towards. What I want to feel, where I want to be. On the inside. To reflect to the outside. And be of use, of service. Via Grace’s guidance & prodding.
I’m starting a new program/daily routine this week. I want to push myself in the following areas (written below), and I’m going to have a different accountability partner for each area. I’m also going to create a timeline for what I would like to experience & manifest over the next 5 months.
Friendships & Community
Health & Fitness
Finances & Resources
Creativity & Work
The goal is to push limits, get uncomfortable, explore boundaries, breathe new life. I may be writing about this for the next 10 years. I won’t be one bit surprised. I’m all in, willing to surrender to possibility and the most amazing life possible. For me it’s not a matter of attaining beautiful things or knowing impressive people. It’s me. I’m interested in what I could see, develop and know within myself. And then connect & magnetically join forces with like minds.
The journey continues. Adventure awaits.