I feel a bit embarrassed telling you this, but here it goes…
[keep in mind, this blog post was written on a previous date, but recently]
This morning I was rushing to get out of the house to beat the heat. Yesterday was 104 degrees, and today was forecasted to be the same. I just washed my hair, and put it in a absurd hairdo — something completely temporary, that I would fix later in the day. I also threw on the tank top I wore yesterday, a pair of tie-dye shorts, and a pair of dirty summer shoes. This was not my best look. To top it off, I grabbed my backpack (for my groceries) and frontpack (for my dog — she sits in it, while I run errands), and headed out the front door.
After walking about 5 blocks, I locked eyes with someone driving past me. I’m not sure if he slowed down as he passed me, or if time stood still. We looked at each other, dead center into each other’s eyes. We were both moving, he was driving and I was walking, and we both proceeded onward toward our destinations. I simply shook off the experience and went about my way.
A few blocks later I turned the corner, and there was the same car that I had just seen! Parked in a driveway. I’d have to pass the car to get where I was going. He was there, standing in front of his house, speaking to someone. I tried to compose myself, and passed both of them, while politely saying hello. He and I looked at each other again, briefly, and I kept walking.
I went to the post office, went grocery shopping, and stopped by a local dance center. On the way home, I would pass that same block. I was hoping he wouldn’t be there. It would be too many times that we would pass each other in such a short time. And too many times that I would feel a bit awkward! That being said, I was hoping to see which house he lived in. I hadn’t noticed it the previous time that I passed it. My goal was to casually walk by, take note of the surroundings and house, and do it quickly — completely unseen.
To my surprise, he was still out there! He was still working and talking with the same person, in the front yard. I desperately wanted to cross the street and turn a corner. I wanted to quickly hide before he or his friend saw me. But it was too late, I was seen. I had to finish walking the block, and pass them — again. I felt like I was walking a plank of a pirate ship. It felt so ridiculous passing him a third time. I was also a bit nervous and unsure what to expect.
As I made my way pass him, I got the same look, the same one I got when he was passing me in the car. It’s like if energy was coming though his eyes, causing some sort of spark. Was it an official spark, or just intrigue? Maybe both, maybe some sort of energy exchange mixed with a large dose of intrigue? He made a comment about my dog as I passed. I turned back and smiled, and introduced my dog, and then myself. He and his friend introduced themselves in return. The friend mentioned that he had a chihuahua in the past, and she stuck her tongue out just like my dog does. I forget the name of his chihuahua, but it was a funny name. I laughed — his dog story put me at ease — but only for a few seconds. I quickly reverted to feeling extremely nervous and on-the-spot. I said goodbye to both of them and continued to walk home.
Once I got in the front door, I felt like I wanted to Google him. I wanted to know who he was. I only had his street name and first name. Trying to Google him was a horrible idea, very silly. Even though I let go of the Google idea, I felt my mind drifting into all sorts of imaginings about who he might be. Is he a sleaze ball or nice guy? Is he middle aged or retired? Is he fun & easy to be around or hard-nosed & challenging? Is he someone that likes to help people or use people? All sorts of things were running through my mind. I was already plotting future days that I would walk by his house, hoping to catch him standing outside again. I was wondering if we might one day strike up a real conversation.
I made myself some lunch. It was soon time to wash the lunch dishes, and there went my mind again. I caught it mid thought and stopped myself. A voice in my head asked, “Why are you so interested in sparks?” I paused at the question and thought, who doesn’t want sparks? The voice quickly replied, “What do you think sparks will give you? Isn’t it always peace you say you are looking for? How will these sparks lead to peace? Or will these sparks lead to the opposite of peace?” It was a good question. In the past, sparks never lead to peace. They lead to lots of ups & down and stressful times. I’m not saying that romantic sparks can’t or will never lead to peace — that just hasn’t been my experience.
The voice in my head really stopped me in my tracks and sobered me up. It was clear to me that I wasn’t looking for sparks. I didn’t want sparks in my life. What I’ve been wanting is deep rooted peace. And that can only come from me. And when it does, it will be reflected in the choices that I make. My work, my home, and all of my relationships will reflect that peace. All decisions will come from a place of peace. And if that peace creates romantic sparks for me — that’s fabulous! I’m all for it. But I’m not interested in doing it the other way around. I’m not interested in chasing sparks. To me, that’s not my idea of being at peace or living in peace. I rather focus on what it is I really want. And right now, that’s a life that I love, a life that feels peaceful and effortless.
Peaceful synonyms: tranquil, calm, restful, quiet, relaxing, undisturbed, untroubled, secluded.
Effortless synonyms: easy, undemanding, unchallenging, painless, simple, uncomplicated, straightforward, natural.
*Side note: If there is any news or part 2 to this story, I will be sure to tell you. Just rest assured, if he & I are meant to cross paths again — we will. I have no interest in seeking him out, or trying to create sparks. I’ll be focusing on my peaceful existence. It’s a project that keeps me plenty busy.