I often feel guilt for being who I am. It’s something that I’ve struggled with for many years. I wrote this email to a friend, earlier in the week:
Sent: Wed 4/15/15 12:20 PM
I often feel so much guilt. I have for years. Guilt for not making better use of my talents; Guilt for sometimes not wanting to go through the monotony of life; Guilt for abusing my body in the past; Guilt for not saying what I feel or guilt for hurting people’s feelings when I do; Guilt for not being more grateful for all the love & luck I have in my life. There is much more that I could mention — but it’s basically a resistance to life. Some sort of internal struggle or fight. I am not embracing, accepting or allowing what is. I’m turning it into something good/bad/right/wrong/better/worse. And none of it matters. None of it’s real. Real beingness is effortless. It feels like spaciousness and unconditional love. It feels open, indifferent and empty, yet intimate, and timeless. I know it. I am it. But only between the words, and only in moments of spontaneous allowing (non-resistance).
Each year of my life I feel like I allow more, and struggle less. But there is still a fight. Still a part of me that goes kicking and screaming. Still a part of me that refuses to allow, and looks for a way to shake things, until they settle in a formation that suits me better. The effort it takes to control or fight life, is the very thing that prevents one from living it fully.
It’s like being on the floor, sweaty and bloody, with your opponent, side by side. Completely spent, completely vulnerable. Looking at each other in exhaustion. Feeling foolish for having expended all that energy in the fight. In that state of surrender, what the fight was about is immediately forgotten, and completely irrelevant. At that moment, one can experience the bliss and effortless of being. The joy of just being with what is. Accepting that one is only fighting life itself — which is who and what we are.
I’m babbling. ;) But I just wanted to share my thoughts. To accept all that is. To allow myself to be me, and life to be life (which is also me). I’ll have to ponder this more, and maybe turn it into a blog post. ;) For now, I’m just going to focus on having an effortless day, full of life living life.
Shortly after that email, I received two emails in the same vein, from two different friends. They were not related in any way, had no idea what I was feeling or communicating earlier that day, and live on opposite sides of the USA. One email was about an ‘inner light’ and acceptance. The other email was about embracing vulnerability. My life is often synchronistic in this way. Whenever I open, and become vulnerable and true to myself, the Universe sends me flowers. It sends me messages and signs. Confirmation that I am on the right path.
After spending more time on guilt, and why I find it challenging to truly embrace myself — which is to embrace life. A few things came to mind. Why do I make myself wrong so much? Why do I always view myself as ‘the bad guy’? I think I do this because I see myself wanting different things than most people (obviously we all want to be happy and loved, but we choose different ways to address that need — my way is often considered odd). Living in a way that’s not the norm. Thinking things that aren’t necessarily mainstream.
There is a quote that comes to mind: “If everybody likes what you are doing, you’re doing it wrong.” (I’m not sure who the author of that quote is. It’s seems unknown.)
I wouldn’t say wrong — I would say why? Why are you doing things just like everyone else?
Instead of feeling guilty for the choices I make, I should question myself: Who gave me the idea of how things should be done? Where did I learn it?
I question what it means to be a friend.
I question what it means to be a lover/partner.
I question what it means to be an artist.
I question what it means to be a family member.
I question what it means to be loving.
I question what it means to be compassionate.
I question what it means to be loyal.
I question what it means to be honest.
I question what it means to be human.
I question what it means to be alive.
I question what it means to be me.
Is it possible that I can create my own definition of those words? Could I not love people in my own way? Could I not be an artist in my own way? Could I not be a friend or family member in my own way? And if I did, and I fully accepted myself….. Would I ever feel guilty for being me? The question itself sounds absurd. I’ll have to question myself more often. To remind myself that life is not a program. And being human doesn’t have to be a blueprint we follow.