A close friend sent me a link to check out recently. It was to a link to Thirty Things I’ve Learned, by Nick Crocker. Overall, I thought the information was good, but what really stood out for me was the following:
“Pay close attention to what you do when you’re alone. When no-one’s looking, when the house is empty, when the afternoon is yours alone — what you choose to do says a lot about you. Pay close attention to where your mind wanders in the shower. Your natural wanderings are your compass to what’s truly interesting to you.”
The reason that quote got my attention was because I’ve spent several years on that exact same thought. And I’m still pondering that thought. I still haven’t gotten to the bottom of it.
Since 2007 I’ve had so much alone time, so much time to do whatever I want — and it’s interesting to see where my mind always ends up. As well as where my time always disappears into (when I allow it to run free). And why I feel my life can’t just be about that.
It makes me think… Why what we honestly think and want to do, isn’t usually what we end up saying or doing publicly? Why is that? I don’t have any answers, only the question itself and open thoughts about it.
I think stillness has a lot to do with it. Being still enough to trust and see, what life wants from us, not what we want from life. Usually, when I let my day or mind be free, life pulls it to where it wants it to go. I don’t do anything. I’m along for the ride. But it’s that awareness of what is happening that brings insight. It’s like watching yourself online. You start one place, looking up something of interest, then hours later you are left in a completely different place. What got you there? Did you plan the whole thing or were you led? Was it one interest naturally leading to the next? Or was it your life unfolding? Did it unfold spontaneously, or was there a divine order to it all?
That’s what I mean by being still. Actually being able to see life live life. Not you living your life, but life living life through you. When that internal stillness is present, and you can watch life being lived, you don’t need to come up with what you love, or what you do best, or what your life is all about. It’s useless. In my opinion, these things are not for you to decide. They are decided for you, and presented to you over the years that you have lived. If it isn’t clear, there only needs to be more humility, more silence, more stillness. More surrender. I know in my case, I could use more of all four of those things. I’m sure that it’s the reason the question still dances in my mind, escaping a full grasp. It’s elusive, and playful, and wants my attention. I enjoy it. And I like to think about it, ponder it, and wonder.