I almost don’t want to read or even look at the blog post I wrote about what I wanted 2011 to be like. I feel so far from the person who wrote it. Actually, a better way to say that would be: I feel so deeply connected to the person who wrote it that, that “person” no longer exists. — Hmm… did I just make that harder for you to understand? Or easier? (*scratches forehead*)
To my surprise this year was the first year I got a glimpse into beingness. How divine it was. I thought I “knew” all about it already. I’ve read about it for more than half of my lifetime. Nothingness, beingness, unconditionalness — it was all familiar to me as far as I knew. But only as familiar as water is to someone who has never drank it. You can read about it & study it & think about it all you want, but until you have surrendered yourself to it, until you allow yourself to get wet — it’s only a concept.
To think of going back to read what I wrote in that blog post, to think of going back to the past to review all the things I wanted — it feels weird because I now know that life is effortless. It just happens. Or better yet, it just is.
I no longer have a deep desire to build anything or become any one.
The journals I have of clippings, the books full of inspirational images — images I aspired to be like, to look like, images of things I wanted to create; in work & in home & in lifestyle, mean nothing to me now. It’s like looking at lifeless images of hollow shells. Everything is now empty — empty of meaning. This doesn’t mean these things won’t get built, or that I won’t be creative, or that I won’t develop myself — it just means I am no longer delusional. I no longer think that these things relate to whether or not I am happy. I no longer think that a “life” or happiness, or peace, or love — can, or needs to be, created. It’s already who we are. Once we see that it’s already here, that we already are it, there is nothing left to do.
Life is so simple. Yet the more we try to manipulate it the more complicated it is. Just let it be. And notice how it unfolds. Notice how it develops effortlessly. This doesn’t mean that nothing is being done, it means that no one is doing it.
If I am wholeness, if I am oneness, if this is what we all are, then how can any one person say that they are doing anything? Without the universe, without others, without energy (spirit), how would anything get done? It happens because we all happen.
For me to create a blog post about beingness & nothingness is impossible. It’s using words to describe something that doesn’t “exist” — something that exists has a beginning & an end, this doesn’t. Also language is all about meaning — this isn’t.
So all I want to say is, 2011 was beautiful. It was perfect. It was whole. And all of the amazing things that happened — happened without me trying to make them happen.
It’s like falling in love. I can say that I am in love with someone. I can tell you that to me he is divine & I feel such a magnetic pull towards him, such a force of energy & resonance — but I really can’t tell you why. I didn’t make it happen. I didn’t create it. It just happened. I didn’t put him where he was when I first met him — he was just there. I didn’t make him talk to me — he just spoke to me. I didn’t look at him in a crowd of people & say, “hmm… let me see, I think I choose to fall in love with you. I had no idea that I would fall in love with him. When I first met him I wasn’t even sure why I was so drawn to him, or interested in him, but I was — copiously. Someone could say that I was attracted to him. Yes, he is attractive, but there are many people that are attractive — & I’m not drawn to them. And all of this could be said for him in regards to me. So who or what made all of this happen? Who or what put us in love? Who or what brought us together? The answer is: no one & everyone, nothing & everything — & that my friends, is beingness. When you just are, everything happens as it should. Sometimes it’s what you wanted, sometimes it’s not, but if you stay “in flow” or “in love” or “in emptiness” everything is beautiful. And everything is effortless. Like breathing. You never wake up & start breathing yourself in the morning, you just surrender to being breathed. It happens for you & it happens in spite of you.
So for myself & for all beings, I hope that 2012 is pure effortlessness, pure beingness, pure love. May we see ourselves as perfect wholeness. May we feel the love, peace, abundance, joy, harmony & bliss that we already are. May we see the world in ourselves, instead of ourselves in the world.
Happy New Year! I love you! Thank you!