[An email I sent to a support group for personal goals.]
Subject: Checkin’ in
Date: July 23, 2008 10:03 PM
I got some old feelings of ‘self-destruction’ today. I didn’t go for them, I went in another direction and had a very cool day. At the end of the day I was really happy with all of my choices, very proud of me for not sinking into old unwanted patterns.
Feeling a little ‘lost’ again, but realizing that it is OK. There is something about floating (and trusting) that is really scary. That is why when relationships get to the ‘what is this?’ phase, it gets difficult (and dramatic.) The ownership, the needing to know what’s happening, the wanting to be comfortable (and re-assured.) It can really interfere with letting go and fully experiencing (and appreciating) what’s there. I feel that big time when I have ‘lost’ moments. I don’t want to trust, I want to control: ‘I must do something’ or ‘This must mean something,’ are very familiar feelings for me.
When I say relationships, I mean relationships… with myself, my work, my life, with anything or anyone.